i wish trust was easier

Here’s what I really think: I wish trust was easier. I don’t like this feeling of risk. I want to choose safe paths, something both good and certain. I don’t mind abandonment, as long as it isn’t reckless. I want a guarantee to match my commitment; that seems right and fair, a karmic equalizer.

But trust is a fruit of grace. There is no quid pro quo in either. Trust is as uncertain as grace is undeserved.

There is no way of knowing how it will all turn out. Will I win or lose? There is no telling. Yes, grace is as certain as gravity, but that does not mean “success” is assured. Grace can be failure, too. Grace is as much in kneeling as standing, and so is trust.

So, where does this put me? On my knees in dependence, I suppose. Trusting someone.

I don’t like this. I want to go places.

But, you say, “Peace, be still.”

Here’s what I really think: I wish trust was easier. Right now the only trust I can muster is honesty. I pray that’s enough. Thank God, grace assures me it is.