truth on a candy wrapper

Waiting in the supermarket checkout line. Impulse items close in.

Heather notices the new wrapper for the Snickers bar.

She points out this one:

And says: "These are pretty much made for you."

Shows me another one...just to make a stronger case.

Then notices two more and says these were me on Saturday afternoon.

I accept her assertion and point out:

We both chuckle.

choosing cologne

For Father’s Day I received a sampler of colognes from Avon. Eight fragrances in all. The idea is: try all eight, then send in a voucher to receive a full size bottle of the one you like best. Great concept.

The last one I tried was “Derek Jeter Something Or Other”.  I can’t remember the last half of the name, but I do remember thinking this one would probably be good, since Derek Jeter is a great baseball player and baseball players tend to be good at chemistry—what with their regular wearing of lab coats and whatnot.  

Anyhoo, I tried it out and wasn’t impressed.

Which prompted me to revert back to cologne number five as my full-size selection: Black Suede.

Just to make sure, I had Heather take a whiff of me.

Coming close to her, I said, “Smell me.”

This did not creep her out. Ahem.

“What do you think?” I asked.

“Meh,” she said.

Just the response I was hoping for.

I said, “Yeah. Me, too. I think I’ll go with the Black Suede fragrance, then. It smells more…virile.”

She said, “Well, then, they may as well call it ‘Troy’ cuz you’re pretty much the epitome of virile.”

“Are you being sarcastic?” I thought.

a pocket sized chekhov

Okay, so this is funny.

I beamed with pride when my daughter "liked" the following image on facebook:

I had an image in my head of my daughter carrying around pocket-sized versions of The Cherry Orchard, Uncle Vanya or The Seagull by the famous 19th century playwright Anton Chekhov. The pages would be ear-marked and poignant lines would be underlined with little hand-written notes made on the side. I thought to myself: "Thank God she's getting a quality education! Maybe this summer we'll study Sophocles together and she'll want to carry around pocket-sized versions of Oedipus Rex.  Or, maybe that one would be more appropriate for my son and wife." Ahem.

At any rate, I became a little confused because of the line that said, "And he would just say really cute encouraging things." I thought: "Chekhov isn't exactly cute and encouraging; but, oh well, she'll discover that on her own. Just let it be."

Then I saw the rest of the meme. It included a picture of someone commenting:

I thought, "Who is this joker? And why do people find gibberish like this funny? I don't get it."

Then, it dawned on me. I had been thinking of this Chekhov:

...but the whole meme had been about this Chekhov:

...yes: from Star Trek. 

Okay, I am officially a nerd.

gmail blue

This video is pretty dang funny! Definitely worth the 108 seconds it takes to view.

I especially loved the line about totally revamping something yet basically keeping it the same--a mindset that hits closer to home in more areas of our lives than we may care to admit! Enjoy...

The Vicar Sings Kenny G Christmas Classics!

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an interesting date night with my honey

Heather and I had a date the other night that featured an interesting bit of dialogue.

I read a book fairly recently by the rabbi/psychologist Edwin Friedman that introduced me to some concepts related to healthy “family systems.” In the book Friedman describes the concept of differentiation.

So, the other night when Heather and I were on a date she went into a store called Tuesday Mornings and I went into Half-Priced Books next door. As we were going in, I said to her: “This is quite a date we’re having. You go one place and I go another.”

She replied: “That’s just because we’re well-differentiated, hon.”

I said: “I am so attracted to you for saying that right now.”

i can still make heather laugh

We always need lots of quarters each week because the laundry machine in our apartment building is coin-operated. Each week we have to think, "Okay, how are we going to do this? Will we be stopping by the bank? Shall I get some from work? Or, will we be by 'The Jewel's' (as Chicagoans like to call it)?"

The only thing about getting quarters from Jewel is: they are very stingy with their dole-outs. They will only give you one roll at a time, which only lasts but a day. Whenever we get quarters, we always need at least two rolls so we don't have to worry about it next time around.

Tonight the bank was closed and we needed to do laundry tomorrow. I didn't pick any rolls up from work this week so we had to resort to Jewel again.

We knew they'd likely only give one roll, so we planned on Heather getting in line first and we'd see what happened. I'd "hide out" somewhere to see if they gave her two rolls (they've been known to do that on occasion). If she didn't get two rolls, I'd get in line to get a second roll.

There was a display just to the right of the counter, so I decided to literally hide behind it, stooping down so the employees at the service desk couldn't see me.

Some employees at another counter nearby saw what I was doing and started laughing at me. Heather knew what I was doing and started laughing, too.

Finally, she stepped out of line when she knew she wouldn't be able to keep a straight face.

It's nice to know I can still make my honey laugh! Let it be noted...

smart girl

We were listening to the radio in the car today when the station host said her favorite part of Thanksgiving was dish-washing time. The host explained she enjoyed it so much because it was good mother-daughter time while the men sat in the living room watching the football game.

Meaghan paused one second, then promptly said: "She's demented."

That's my girl.

why i number things

I was a member of the debate team in high school. Among other habits I picked up through that experience, one that endures today is the practice of numbering. Let me explain:

1. I find that numbering helps keep someone’s attention because they feel the thought-process is going somewhere.

2. Numbering helps me stay organized.

3. Numbering helps me and others remember things.

And, last but not least…

4. Numbering makes my wife’s eyes roll and I do love seeing her eyes roll, especially when I’ve managed to infect her with the habit of numbering.

Yesterday morning my 11-year-old son did it; numbered in a sentence.

“First of all…Secondly…”

My wife laughed and pointed out I had successfully infected him now, too.

My daughter rolled her eyes and asked in a respectful tone, “Why do you always number?”

I replied: “Number 1: I don’t. Number 2: it’s fun.”

Number 3: the end.

laughing and vacuuming

We were cleaning the house today in preparation for a special visitor from out of town and I enlisted the slaves kids to help.

As I was mopping one room, Nicolas vacuumed another but he didn’t complain one bit. In fact, quite the opposite: as he vacuumed he told jokes to himself and sang various happy songs. Every once in a while, I’d hear him bust a gut with laughter. When the laughter subsided, he’d continue talking to himself or singing.

In parenting our children, we don’t always get our job right but in times like this I just had to smile knowing my 11-year old son had learned to find joy in his work. Truth be told, many adults would do well to learn that lesson, myself included. Thanks, Nic, for being such a good example.

life in the big city

A couple days ago, I had an "interesting" day in which I saw a couple "interesting" people doing some "interesting" things.

First, I saw an old woman buying a mess of duct tape; she was wearing a tshirt that stated proudly: “Happiness is yelling BINGO!!!”

Then, something even stranger happened.

I was standing in line at the supermarket and the woman in front of me was speaking on her phone—except she didn’t have a phone. Not a regular cell phone nor a hands-free dealie. Nothing. Yet, she went on talking and listening and talking some more as if she were talking with a real person on a real phone.

“Well, that’s what I was saying.”

(pause)

“No, I don’t think he deserved that. I don’t think he deserved that at all.”

(pause)

“I disagree. No, he didn’t. Okay, you’re right.”

(pause)

“That gum is sweet. A little too sweet for me, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

(It was around here I noticed she didn't have a phone in her hand)

“Thaaaaat’s the way to do it. Yes.”

(I thought: "What the heck???!!")

“I have plenty of coins. Enough with that goop!”

(The cashier noticed the lady did not have a phone.)

“It has been hot, but I have some good jeans so it’s okay.”

(The cashier gave me a look.)

“Well, I’m not sittin’ on the toilet, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

The cashier looked at me and smiled. We were both happy for the woman talking with her imaginary friend. This is, after all, life in the big city. Ahem. Something tells me the heat and humidity have knocked a few screws loose.

The woman paid for her things and exited the store calmly, still talking with her imaginary friend.

As she left, I thought to myself: “I should totally try that some time just to see how people look at me.” If I ever do, I’ll be sure to bring one of my kids with me and dress up like this:

he takes after his mother, dontchyaknow

Today was Silly Hat Day for Nic's day camp. I hope this makes you smile. I know it did me!

the backpack or "hmmm, this is an interesting situation"

Nicolas has been enjoying a special treat this summer: a day camp that’s run by the Chicago Parks Department. Each weekday they have lots of fun activities planned. Nic has had the chance to go bowling (for the first time in his life!), swimming (three times a week!), and he’s gone on some other field trips, too. They’ve done art projects together, made tie-dyed t-shirts, and played lots of active games. Every day he has an absolute blast.

One activity they had planned involved a gift exchange. If someone wanted to participate, they simply bought an inexpensive gift for another boy their age and put it in a grab bag for another camper to draw randomly.

Nic bought a small Nerf gun to put in the exchange and he came away with a Slip ‘n Slide water game. He was happy.

When he was telling me what the other gifts were, however, he said in his “I’m-an-eleven-year-old-boy-and-I’m-incredulous” kind of way:

“And, Dad: guess what?”

“What?”

“Someone brought something that wasn’t even a toy! Can you believe that?”

“What was it?”

“It was a backpack! Can you believe it?”

I wondered if he thought that was a good thing or a bad thing, so I just said: “Huh.” Then, I figured out what he thought about it as he spoke his next words.

“Yeah. We were all, like, ‘a backpack’? Really? Wow.”

Oh, the trials of prê-teen gift-giving. I felt sorry for that poor boy who brought a backpack. What a schmuck.

*roll eyes back in head now and sigh heavily*

a few one-liners

Here are a few one-liners you can use when the moment calls for it. Which one is your favorite? Do you have any to add? Enjoy...

- I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.

- Crime doesn't pay; does that mean my job is a crime?

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

- Never forget that you're unique, just like everyone else.

- He's so dumb he took an IQ test and his results came back negative.

- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

yes, we spell for our dog. do you?

Dogs are smarter than you think. I know, I know, they lick themselves where they shouldn’t but they really are sharper than we give them credit for.

For instance, to keep something secret we speak in code around our dog: “Has the dog been W-A-L-K-E-D?” we ask often. We think if we spell it out we’ll put one over on her to keep her excitement about going outside at bay.

We forget that we could say the word “drain” to her and she’d get just as excited if we use a certain intonation: “You wanna go for a DRAIN??!! Huh? Do ya??!! Yes….let’s go for a DRAIN!”

Pretty soon we’d be spelling it out. “Have you taken the dog for a D-R-A-I-N yet?”

“No.”

“Come on! Why do I always have to drain the mutt?”

Lately, I’ve been proving my theory by spelling other words in the sentence instead of “the magic word.” I’ll even emphasize the magic word to prove my point.

“H-a-s t-h-e DOG been WALKED y-e-t, question mark?”

She doesn’t understand. She’s a DOG, people. She treats our stuffed ferret like it’s real and still thinks she can catch that dang squirrel out back. How much s-m-a-r-t-s could s-h-e have? Maybe we're the dumb ones.

how and why ordained ministers get jobs at kmart

These days it’s the little things that cheer my spirit:
-yesterday I was just offered a part time job at Kmart.
-today I will take a drug test.
-yesterday Heather joked that maybe I needed to worry about the results of said drug test.
-let this thought comfort you as you read this: within the next few hours, I’ll be peeing in a cup.

I was interviewed by the Assistant Manager. He shook my hand and said his name is Tony. I replied, “I’m Troy. My brother’s name is Tony.” He said, “That’s neat,” as he smiled ever-so-slightly and looked at me as if he wondered “what kind of person starts an interview by telling the Assistant Manager his brother’s name?” I smiled and thought, “Did I really just open my interview with ’My brother’s name is Tony???!!!’ What are you thinking, doofus???!!”

"Tony" asked me only one question of substance: “How would you handle an angry customer?” I cited Edwin Friedman, a rabbi, author and psychologist/family therapist who states that the best thing one can do is “foster a non-anxious presence.”

He looked at me as if to say, “Did you really just use the phrase ‘non-anxious presence’ in an interview at Kmart???”

Never mind. I was already in too deep, so I just explained myself and then went on to cite the importance of listening to them and “reflecting back to them verbally what I’m hearing in a non-anxious way so they see that their complaint has been heard and understood.”

He looked at me like I was wearing a pair of polka-dotted briefs on my head and said "uh huh", reflecting back to me that he thought I might be insane.

After a while he rose, shook my hand and said, “Well, I’ll have Mela set you up in there.” Mela was in the next office over. She was the HR lady from Romania that I had met the week before. Nice gal. I supposed that meant I had the job.

Mela told me that he told her he wanted to use me to work on some “bigger” projects he had in mind so I will be trained to work all over the store.

I’ll try to do so in a non-anxious way, smiling, laughing and joking frequently. If you see me at the cash register, maybe we could do a little play where you pretend to be an angry customer and I berate you over the intercom.

funny football bloopers

Football players are known for their stunning intellect. Have a look...

celebrations and bacon

Gonna keep this one short and sweet today.

1. I love bacon. My motto in life is “bacon makes everything extra special.” So, it did my heart good when I unclogged my stocking on Christmas morning and discovered, lo and behold, two bacon-themed products:

A. Bacon bandages
And
B. Bacon lip balm




Here I am wearing a bacon bandage after getting an owchie wowchie wittow boo boo.



Wrapping a finger in bacon makes one extra special.

Later in the day, I was washing dishes and it came off. Before throwing it away, however, I made sure to ask Heather and the kids if they wanted the last piece of bacon before I had it. They all laughed heartily.

In other news, the following thoughts have been rattling around my vacuous brain:

1. Insight without humility quickly becomes arrogance.
2. Hope sometimes requires exile.
and
3. When deep tragedy is redeemed, it makes for the truest comedy. Bittersweet remembrances make the greatest celebrations.

Not sure what any of that has to do with bacon but that’s how my mind works, eh.

we're not people

When traffic is backed up here, it is common to see people cut into the opposing lane to make a left turn when the coast is clear. I have done this a few times myself, but had never driven on the opposing side for more than, say, 10 meters before turning onto the side street, clearing the oncoming cars with ease.

Tonight, however, traffic was so horrendous that I considered doing so for a 50 meter stretch; a bit far, admittedly.

As I started to maneuver the car into the opposing lane, Heather said, "No! Don't!"

I replied, "But people do it all the time here."

To which she replied, "Yeah, but we're not people!"

Uh huh. Cuz that makes sense. And to think she turns one year older tomorrow.

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