taking off the mask

Taking Off the Mask

reflections on vulnerability

by Troy Cady

The instinct for self-preservation runs deep. I recognize it in my need for approval. It is the source of more words and actions, silences and inactions, than I care to admit.

How utterly isolating the need for approval turns out to be! Even when I express myself out of this need, what I am showing you is not my true self but the self I want you to see.

And if I think that expressing myself will deprive me of approval, I will simply content myself to just say nothing, do nothing—but hide.

Thus, my drive to preserve myself proves to be a sentence I place upon myself. I wonder how many prison cells I’ve chosen to inhabit? I wonder how many times I’ve used the freedom I’ve been given to just lock myself up?

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The deep tragedy of our society is that most of us have trained ourselves to hide behind appearances. We are driven by a self-preserving instinct. We can’t help it. It’s in our blood.

Some are driven by the need to appear good or loving. Others want to appear successful or wise. Still others want to be thought of as fun-loving and free-spirited. Power is another mask we wear; we don’t want to appear weak.  Some people even employ traits like peacefulness or loyalty as self-preserving mechanisms (thus, when change feels risky, they play it safe).

My drive happens to be fueled by the desire to be thought of as original. In other words, I want you to think I have a beautiful soul; I want you to think I’m creative; I want to be thought of as an artist. I like the recognition.

Those who know me well already know this about me. Those who are getting to know me well might say: “Ah, yes. That makes sense to me now. I can see it.”

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I am convinced that for every vulnerability we share with a trusted companion we gain a little more freedom. The problem is: we’ve all experienced the harsh reality that sometimes, when we share our true self with others, that vulnerability is betrayed. The betrayal comes in at least two forms: at worst, our trust is violated, exploited. At best, our vulnerability sometimes just drives others away.

To show another your true self is one of the most courageous things you will ever do in this life.

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Underneath every mask I wear, every word I write or speak, and every silence I keep, there resides a hungry heart, a thirsty soul, that just wants to be filled with love. To my core, I want nothing more than to know that, beyond all the games I play, there is at least one person who knows me deeply, sees me as I really am, and loves me, and loves me, and loves me.

Is there something inside me, something that is there not by my own manufacturing, but deeply, inherently present within me, that is worthy of being loved? That is the question, I feel, that haunts us. Am I worthy of being loved, seen and honored for who I truly am, flawed as I am?

It is only by this kind of love that we are truly set free and sustained in freedom.

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How deeply my life would change if I could be set free of the fear of rejection, if I could just learn to be myself and accept it.

This is the work of a lifetime, of everyone’s lifetime, because in childhood we are shaped by the approval or disapproval of those who are supposed to care for us. There exists a vulnerability in each of us whose substance is childlike. It’s a simple vulnerability; it’s the need to be loved.

Inside every adult entrusted with the care of a child there exists a child who has been deprived of love at one time or another.

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This is the essence of the good news I can’t deny, the good news that has taken my breath away, the good news I’ve sometimes forgotten, and the good news that always draws me back.

It is the good news that, no matter how inconsistently I experience this love from others and, no matter how much I struggle to see anything worthy inside myself, there is One whose love never fails. It’s God. God is love; therefore, God loves. Let it sink in. It’s the best news ever.

God loves…me.

God loves…you.

And there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can do to change that. God loves, period.

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What freedom—I am loved, you are loved. What freedom!

I don’t have to hide anymore. I can share with you who I really am. I can share my fears because I know there is a God who sees my fears and this God will never betray my trust. Even if others betray my trust, I know there is someone who loves me just as I am. I know this because God sees me just as I am and God never stops loving me.  

This acceptance is what changes me. This acceptance is patient with me as I learn to live in the light of God’s love. I’m still changing—which is to say, I’m still learning to let God’s love sink in to me deeper and deeper.

This learning is nothing short of a lifelong process of becoming more free—a perpetual, unending conversion. To be sure, this conversion starts at a certain point; each of us ultimately recognizes the question of being loved at a certain point for the first time—but once we recognize it as THE question of life, it never goes away. Every time we return to the question of love, and every time we freely receive it, we are being converted to a life of love, little by little. Love, and only love, has the power to transform us through and through, day by day.

So, the question is this: do I know this love…am I receiving it?

My appeal to you is nothing more than that you (everyone) would receive this love freely. It’s never forced on us. It’s always only offered freely. But the only way to really live in freedom is to receive it.

Drink deeply of a love that never fails. Make a foolish prayer of it. You’re loved, you’re free.

Amen.

  

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*Photo: Boy In His Own World by Clement Chai, via Unsplash. Creative Commons License.