I can relate to that feeling of trying to find faith but finding it difficult. Sometimes for me faith feels like nothing more than a crazy risk. I see no reason to believe yet there is still that voice inside me that says I have no choice but to believe.
Sometimes I, too, find answers difficult to come by. Sometimes I feel like the questions I have are more numerous than the answers God gives. And then I ask, "Why, God? Why don't you answer more clearly?" or "Why don't you take away the pain, God? Aren't you supposed to be the Great Physician?"
And, God says, "I will be with you. I will be with you. Even in the pain."
He doesn't take away the pain because later I discover he has found a way to redeem the pain, somehow, turning it into a blessing for my soul and for the benefit of others.
What has been made cannot be unmade, but it can be remade. God is the great Remaker. It’s the idea that he makes beauty spring from ashes, somehow. It’s what made the crucifixion good.
Christians have no proof of this remaking, other than what we can see by looking to the past. Because of this, all we can do about our current pain is hope, just hope. Fortunately, we can see by looking at the past that there is reason to hope. That’s why, in the midst of intense pain--when it’s hard to even look back--hope feels extremely foolish when you try to look ahead.
Perhaps, for now, you could borrow some hope from me. Know that I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you. And, in those prayers, know that God will be with you, crying with you.
It’s okay to cry. Even for a long time. It may not feel like it now, but one day sooner or later, healing will come.
Until then, God is with you, God is with you, God is with you. Crying.