after conception

when i write poems

it is because the future

becomes present

and God

comes laughing

at fears rooted in the past.

death came near when i was only two

and the God of hope said and says,

“You shall live.”

the family tore apart in childhood

but God holds all things together.

yet this is my struggle now,

still nursing

pugilistic fear

expecting the sneer

of ridicule

awaiting humiliation

and the words “aha! I told you so.”

that is why i write poems—

to encode these hidden doubts

in lyric shouts.

i began again just yesterday

so these days i am somewhere between

the miracle of newborn cries

and the confidence of toddler tries.

or maybe i am still waiting to be born

on the brink of seeing the world

as it will be and

as it is.

either way, i am learning to trust

that there is no other shoe waiting to drop.

curses can only recede and fade like exploding stars.

defeat diminishes when God dances

and the time will come

when all things contract

in God’s womb

and he gathers his skiddish chickens

under his wings

and holds them in his arms

never to shudder cold and alone again.

all will be well and

all will be well and

all will be well

my story will end with beginning.

my story ends today.

thank God for infancy.

…………………………

after conception

a poem by troy cady