Thursday, December 15, 2016

grief counseling

grief counseling
by troy cady

Can I be honest?
I don’t want to be honest.
Honesty hurts too much.
That’s me being honest.
How you like them apples?

I’ll talk
but I don’t know
if what I’m going to say
is truthful.

Okay. I’ll let you sort that out.
So, here are some truthful lies.

I don’t know where this is going to end,
if it is going to end.
Part of me never wants it to end;
I can’t stand another death.
If I let the sadness go,
I am letting him go.

And I don’t want to let you go.
I’m holding on for dear life.
Just holding on.

I blame myself.
For what I always and never said.
For not checking in on you, for checking out.
For selfishly thinking you were selfish.
For the self I was and never will be with you ever.

When did it happen?
When did you decide to leave?
I’m mad at you.
Strike that.
I hate you for not saying goodbye.
I hate you because I love you
because I love you I hate myself
for not saying goodbye
because I love you.

It was only two blocks
but I couldn’t walk home today.
The cold was too much to bear
and my tears would have frozen to my face.
As it is, my heart is numb,
deformed by winter’s discontent,
the restlessness of laying you down to rest.

Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
I can’t take it.

I don’t know where this is going to end,
if it is going to end,
this restlessness,
this blaming hatred love.

Oh, God!
I can’t take it.

No comments: