pinning angels

Pinning Angels

by Troy Cady

My research concludes that

angels have lost their ability to fly;

their wings are now too small and weak

in proportion to their total body mass.

This applies across all breeds.

Just compare my specimens.

In trials of angels

aged three to six months

I found they are able to sustain flight for

an average of only 10.4 seconds

until they plummet to their death.

In my autopsy report I found

consistent bone deformation

due to premature overexertion.

Sociological surveys demonstrate

that most angels now die in adolescence;

the leading theory

is that teenage angels try to fly on their own

despite warnings to the contrary

by elder angels

who have learned that

all angels are now destined to a grounded existence.

If an angel happens to age beyond a thousand years

(which hasn’t occurred since

the dawn of modernity)

their wings become brittle

such that the least bit of flapping

can easily cause irreparable shattering,

commencing in the extremities

and spreading, tragically, to the very core

of their skeletal structure.

This was discovered

in a series of tests dubbed

The Excitability Index.

In brief, raising the hopes

of an Ancient causes them to implode.

See my study in connection

with last year’s Christmas season

for a more detailed analysis.

Regarding treatment,

there is no scientific consensus

beyond that of Aquinas

who links vocalization exercises

with longevity of life.

In this regard, isolation therapy

is now considered an obsolete technique

as multiple observers have demonstrated

the limited efficacy of angelic vocalization

absent a human recipient

(much like the phenomenon

that occurs when a tree falls in the woods

without human observation).

Upon further vocalization exercises

in densely populated urban centers

we have also discovered

limited angelic potency

despite proximity to human subjects;

I have dubbed my working hypothesis

the Aural Obstruction Theory.

Confirmation of this is pending

contingent upon further experimentation.

We are also consulting God

in this study and have filed a petition

to overturn the Angels Unawares Mandate,

since our understanding of angels

would be greatly enhanced

if we could more readily tell them apart

from the common human.

Despite several petitions, God hasn’t budged

and we have yet to find any loopholes in the law.

We are now running projections

to determine how long

humanity will survive

once angels become extinct;

current estimates predict

global destruction on par with

the Greenhouse Effect.

We will destroy ourselves

as we destroy our planet.

More research pending;

education is the best policy.